


I'm Not Having A Crisis, You Are

by the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff and Smut, Getting Together, I'm UNCOMFY, I'm too ace for this i'm sorry, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, Nipple Play, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining Ryan Bergara, Tired Of This Shit Jaz and Laura, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:13:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25769491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser/pseuds/the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser
Summary: Ryan isn't in denial. He just has the occasional sex dream about his best friend. Who doesn't?It was fine. Of course. Shane's had a roommate for years that he didn't know about? Also fine. Shane coming out as bisexual? Fine.Ryan having to realize that sometimes things are real, not just dreams? FINE. IT'S FUCKING FINE.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 10
Kudos: 149





	I'm Not Having A Crisis, You Are

**Author's Note:**

> hello, i have never had a sex dream. probably because I'm very ace. this is a repost of a work i did like, yesterday. i deleted it and added a couple thousand words because i didn't like it.
> 
> September 25th: i added more at the end bc i can

Ryan was in denial. 

But he was in denial that he was in denial. 

He was also in denial that he was in denial of being in denial. 

So that was a fun way to live life, right? 

Being in the shower was a fun way to... bring himself out of that denial without ever bringing himself out of it. 

To be perfectly clear, he was jerking off in the shower. This wasn't an unusual occurrence, obviously, he was single and hadn't gotten laid in months. He'd had the opportunity to, of course, but whenever she said something along the lines of _'Let's go back to my place,'_ he couldn't bring himself to do it. 

He knew why but buried that truth deep, deep down. 

Bringing his own hand up to his nipple, using his other hand to steadily jerk himself off, he squeezed his eyes shut and imagined someone else doing those things to him. Ryan imagined someone else in the shower with him, jerking him off from behind, playing with Ryan's nipples with his- _her_ other hand while sucking marks and bites onto his shoulder. 

Another wet body behind him, pressed up against him. So tall that he could feel them against his lower back, hard and grinding. 

With a perfect flick of his wrist, he gasped and threw his head back, wishing that there was a shoulder behind him that he could lean against. He whined, pinching his nipple hard. 

"God," he groaned loudly before clamping his mouth shut, remembering briefly that his roommate was home. She wouldn't say anything about it when he got out, but he didn't want her to have to hear him. 

She was the sweetest person and was like a little sister to him. 

He was getting off track. Where was he? 

Oh, yeah. Shane behind him, jerking him off, playing with his nipples, kissing Ryan with an open mouth and his tongue. Biting his earlobe before letting his tongue drag across Ryan's cheek until he reached his mouth and kissed him again, deep and filthy. 

He could almost imagine the scratch of Shane's beard against his face and he stifled a moan. 

His hand going slow and torturous, making Ryan want to cry out his name when he wasn't even there. 

_Wait._

Nope, nope, he wasn't going to- no. He was already so close. So he indulged himself for what he promised was the last time and let his fantasy of Shane, his coworker, his best friend, a _guy,_ getting him off in the shower continue.

His mouth was open as he panted, feeling the hot pleasure in his gut. He knew he would regret it later, but at that moment, he didn't care. So, 

_"Shane,"_ he whined quietly. "God, _Shane-"_

Ryan came hard, so hard he couldn't see for a moment, and let out a loud groan that he _did not_ mean to let out. Shit. Well, it was too late now. Panting, sure his lip was bitten raw, he washed himself off, washed his hair, body, and wobbly stepped out of the shower to look at himself and get dressed.

Yep. 

His bottom lip was red and swollen and he was still a little winded. He got dressed and stepped out of the bathroom, holding his dirty clothes. He threw them in his hamper and walked out and almost stumbled into a wall. 

Okay, so, context: Laura Zardari was a theater star, famous around LA. He and Jaz had been following her for years, going to her shows, sometimes listening to her albums. Jaz always had the biggest crush on her. 

Laura had announced on her Instagram (@zardar_sauce, 3.8 million followers) that she would be gone for the next ten to twelve months working on multiple projects across the U.S. A Netflix show, two movies, and a quick run as Lydia in Beetlejuice on Broadway for two and a half months and the same amount of time as Eurydice in Hadestown. 

So it was completely logical for Ryan to be shocked and a little starstruck when he saw Laurasia Ashton Zardari at his kitchen table, sitting with his roommate, holding a mug of tea and grinning at him. 

"Hey," she said slyly. "Sounded like you had fun in there." 

"Oh my god," he breathed. And then he remembered exactly what she was referring to, drinking tea and sending him a shit-eating grin as she did so. He pressed the heel of his palm into his eyes, groaning. "Oh shit, I'm so sorry-" 

"Ryan," she laughed, "it's fine. Besides, I'm kind of used to it." 

Jaz made a noise and they both looked at her. "Do I want to know?" she asked. 

Laura shook her head. "Trust me, no." 

Ryan stepped forward. "Uh, hi, um- yeah, a huge fan." 

Laura laughed. "Thanks. Me too. I love you and Shane on Unsolved." 

He laughed helplessly. Laura fucking Zardari liked his show. "Thanks," he croaked. He cleared his throat. "But, uh, what are you doing here? I'm not complaining, just... yeah." 

She grinned. "Jaz and I are on a date." 

He rounded on his roommate, who was staring at the floor and blushing. "A _date?"_

"I tried to tell you," she defended herself. "You were already asleep." 

He came closer and sat down. "I feel like this-" he gestured to Laura, who laughed, "-is a good reason to wake me up!" 

"Shane was fucking ecstatic when I told him I was going out with Jaz." 

Laura sipped her tea like what she had just said didn't upturn Ryan's whole world. "Like- like Shane Madej?" he asked. 

The goddamn B list actor, probably about to become A list after the show and movies came out, set her mug down and stared at him. "He hasn't mentioned me?" she demanded. Ryan's silence must've been her answer and she said, "That asshole." 

"How do you know him?" he asked, completely gobsmacked. Jaz was looking at him as if it was weird that he _didn't_ know this.

"He's my roommate," Laura said, throwing her hands up. "We've been friends since we were kids!" 

"It's he like, seven years older than you?" Ryan croaked. 

"Yep! He was my babysitter. Jeez, this sounds like the beginning of a really bad porno." 

Jaz laughed at that for a moment before scolding her lightly, which Laura smiled at. Jaz, his roommate and friend of many years, was dating the woman that she had had a crush on for- for like, six years at this point. Laura had been 19 when they first saw her, Jaz and Ryan were 21, and that means that Shane was 26. 

Now Laura was 25, Jaz 26, turning 27 next week, Ryan 27, and Shane 32. 

"Oh my god," he said. "We've known you longer than we've known Shane." 

"Well, isn't that stalkerish of you." 

Ryan looked at Jaz. "You didn't tell her-" 

"No," Jaz said quickly. 

Laura cracked her knuckles. "Well, now you have to." 

Jaz and Ryan looked at each other. Eventually, he started talking. "Well, first saw you in that episode of Lucifer. Wait, is that really filmed in LA?" 

"Nope!" Laura said cheerily, popping the P. "Canada." 

He nodded, surprised. "Cool. And then we went to see Hazel and were like, 'Hey, that's the girl from Lucifer!' and we've been keeping up with you ever since." 

"Jaz!" Laura laughed. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I didn't want you to think I was with you just because I was a fan," Jaz muttered. 

"Babe," Laura said, smiling, "it's fine. I still want to go out to dinner. Well, maybe not out." 

"Why not?" Ryan asked. 

"Pap," Laura said, explaining all that he needed to know. She put her head in her hand and asked, the shit-eating grin returning, "So, who were you jerking off to in there?"

"Your mom," Ryan shot back with no thought. It was better than the truth: her friend since she was, like, four and her roommate. He wasn't sure how she was going to take his joke and he waited anxiously. He didn't have to wait long. 

She burst out laughing. "Fuck you! Actually, though. I was gone for a year, Shane becomes kinda famous and doesn't tell you," she pointed at Ryan, "one of his best friends, that I exist. I'm mad." 

She was mad but still laughing. Laura (Zardari, holy shit) announced she was leaving, thanked Jaz for the tea, and walked out the door with a promise to yell at Shane. She winked at him, which made him blush. One last smile that said that she knew something, and she was out the door. Ryan turned to Jaz.

"Seriously?" 

Jaz was holding both of their empty mugs and was walking over to the sink. "What?" 

"You couldn't've left me a text?" he groaned. "That was so embarrassing." 

She gave him a Look. "Don't be so loud next time." 

His face burned red. He made himself a sandwich and his phone rang. It was Shane. He choked on nothing, coughed himself okay, and answered. 

"Hey." 

"Laura's mad at me," he whined. Ryan had to close his eyes for a second.

"It's not my fault you didn't tell me about her." 

"It never came up!" Shane protested. "You could've asked! You've walked past her room countless times!"

He threw his hands up. "I thought it was storage!" 

"What kind of storage room has a piece of paper taped to the door that says _Don't come in. There's a wasp in here and I'm trying to wait it out?!"_

Ryan bit down a smile. "It was either storage or a sex dungeon." 

There was silence for a couple of moments before Shane said, "Or, you know, my roommate's room." 

He made a sound that made it seem like he was thinking about it. "Yeah, only like 10% of the time, though." 

"What's the percentage for storage and sex dungeon?" 

"15% chance for storage and 75% chance for a sex dungeon."

"Ah. Well," he could hear the smile in Shane's voice, which made him smile, "I'm sorry that I'm in the ten percent." 

Ryan shrugged. "Eh. Makes you special." 

"Aw, thank you!" 

"I didn't mean in a good way." 

"Rude." 

"I'm not wrong, though." 

"That's debatable." 

"Is it?" 

"For my self-esteem, yes." 

Ryan laughed. "Sure, man." 

"Ooh! You ready for New Orleans?" 

He let his head fall to his hand. "No. We're gonna die." 

"You say that every time," Shane laughed. 

"I mean it."

"You say that, too." 

"See you bright and early tomorrow, Ry!" 

"Fuck you." 

Shane hung up and Ryan was left alone, standing in his kitchen with a sandwich in hand. He jumped when he saw Jaz out of the corner of his eye, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. He frowned. 

"What?" 

She shrugged. "Nothing. I think Laura's right." 

Ryan's blood ran cold. He didn't know why. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

Jaz smiled. "Nothing." 

She turned around. "Jaz." 

Walking into her room, she waved. "I've got a test. Talk to you later!" 

"Jaz!" 

"Shh!" 

Now he really was standing alone in his kitchen holding a sandwich. He dropped it and picked up his phone. 

**Ryan:** Shane I need Laura's number

He waited anxiously for thirty seconds before Shane responded. 

**Shane:** Laura really really likes Jaz, dude

 **Ryan:** No not like that

 **Ryan:** Ew

And then, just for good measure. 

**Ryan:** EW

 **Shane:** Okay then

He sent it and Ryan typed it in, creating a new contact. Typing out a quick text, he brought his sandwich to the couch and sent it.

 **Ryan:** What did you say to Jaz

He took a bite of his sandwich, his leg bouncing as he waited for Laura's response.

 **Laura:** Hey, Ryan!

 **Laura:** Wanna tell me what you're talking about

He frowned. 

**Ryan:** What you told Jaz like before I came out or texted her or something

 **Laura:** What?

 **Laura:** Oh yeah

 **Laura:** I just said I think you've got a thing for my best friend of fifteen years, my dear, dear roommate, Shane Alexander Madej

She sent something else too, but at that point, Ryan had chucked his phone across the couch. It hit a pillow and fell to the floor. He stared at it for a couple of minutes, breathing hard, his mind racing. He had to pick it up. He had to read what she said. Hands shaking, he got up and picked his phone up from the floor. 

Inhale. 

Exhale. 

Look at the phone. 

**Laura:** I won't tell him

 **Laura:** Are you okay? 

**Laura:** Ryan, I'm not going to tell him. 

**Laura:** Ryan? You okay? 

"Oh, thank god," he breathed, running his hand through his hair. He texted her back with ever-shaking hands. 

**Ryan:** Don't tell him 

Her response was immediate. 

**Laura:** Oh good, I thought you were dead

 **Laura:** Of course I won't tell him

 **Ryan:** Thanks

He put it down and sighed heavily. An hour or so later, his phone buzzed and he looked down at it, finding it was Shane who texted him. He got scared because it said, 

**Shane:** Ryan...

And then a link. Ryan pressed on it, feeling suffocated. All of the air he was holding in left him as he laughed at the headline: 

**Rising Star Laura Zardari Seen Leaving BuzzFeed Unsolved's Ryan Bergara's Apartment**

**LA's new power couple?**

The longer he looked at the photo of Laura grinning and shooting finger guns at the paparazzi, he harder he laughed. He laughed until he couldn't breathe. Apparently he was laughing so loud that he interrupted Jaz, who came out to ask him to be quiet, but he showed her the article and she started laughing too. 

"It's my apartment, too!" Jaz giggled. 

"Laura and I," he wheezed, "are LA's new power couple!" 

"Aw," Jaz pouted. "I liked her, too. Stop stealing my girlfriends." 

"Never." 

He texted Shane back as Jaz went back into her room. 

**Ryan:** Oh yeah I've been meaning to tell you

 **Ryan:** Laura and I are boning

Smiling, he read Shane's text. 

**Shane:** My two best friends are banging

 **Shane:** What a time to be alive

Ryan snorted as he thought up a retort.

 **Ryan:** She's really good, too

 **Ryan:** Really knows her way around

He really wasn't expecting Shane's response. 

**Shane:** Oh, trust me, I know

They had _fucked?_ He covered his mouth with his hand and stared at his phone, mortified. 

"Oh my _god."_

 **Ryan:** Seriously? 

**Shane:** No, jfc

 **Shane:** She's my best friend

 **Ryan:** Good that's really gross

 **Shane:** Yeah. I wouldn't do her just like I wouldn't do you

There was a sick, cold, falling feeling in Ryan's chest. He felt like he couldn't breathe. Of course he knew that him thinking and... _dreaming_ about Shane wasn't real and that it would probably never be real, but this was different. 

He told himself that it would never happen to not get his hopes up. Of course he wanted Shane to do him. Hell, he wanted to do Shane. There was always a small little hope, a fantasy, but now that was crushed. 

Angrily, he turned off the tv, stood up to go, like, run or something, but the anger switched to devastation as soon as he took a step. All of a sudden, he sobbed into his hand. Jaz came running out of her room and hugged him as soon as she saw he was crying. He leaned into her and she sat him back on the couch. 

"Ry," she said soothingly, "what's wrong?" 

"I-" he gasped in air. "I- I'm-" 

She pulled her into him and let him cry on her shoulder. "Ryan, breathe," she whispered. "Breathe with me." 

The two of them sat on the couch for about fifteen minutes, breathing. At some point, Jaz got up and got him water. He knew why: people can't cry and drink water at the same time. Once he had calmed down, Jaz rubbed his back. 

"What's up?" she asked in her gentle, caring voice. God, he loved her. 

"I love you," he said in a shaky voice. "You're like, the best." 

She smiled. "Thank you." 

"I-" 

He had to look away from her wide, understanding green eyes. Instead, he reached out and started playing with one of her many long braids. This braid had some white in it from her vitiligo. 

"Ryan," she said gently, bringing his gaze back up to her face. Again, he looked away from her eyes and tried to count the freckles on her face. 

What could he say? He couldn't even say to _himself_ that he liked Shane. Maybe even loved him. So he took a breath and said all he could bring himself to say:

"I think Laura was right." 

Jaz's smile was everything he wanted it to be and everything he didn't want it to be. It was kind, gentle, understanding, and loving. He didn't want any of that, though. He wanted her to offer a magical potion that would take away his feelings for Shane. 

"It's okay," she said calmly. 

He nodded. "I want to... _not."_

"That makes sense," she agreed. "It does. But you can't, can you?" 

He shook his head bitterly. "No." 

"So, what do you want to do?" 

He thought. What did he want to do? Forget about it. He wanted to forget about his feelings for Shane. He didn't want to be irrationally happy when he saw him each morning or constantly notice how large his hands were. He didn't want to constantly think about running his fingers through his short hair and listening to his laugh. 

"I don't know," he admitted. 

Jaz kissed the side of his head. "It's okay. You don't need to know right now." 

He smiled sourly at the ground. "I'd sure as hell like to." 

She bumped her shoulder with his. "Wouldn't we all?" 

They smiled at each other and he leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead. "You're awesome." 

"Yeah," she said, hugging him from the side, "I really am, aren't I?" 

"About to be a doctor," he sighed. "One more month and you've already got a job waiting..." 

"Shut up," she laughed. 

"Maybe you can run for president." 

She pulled away and laughed at him. "No, but I'd rather stick to being a pediatrician. Thank you, though." 

"You're very welcome," he laughed. "Aren't you supposed to taking a test?" 

Jaz shrugged. "Yeah. It's not timed and this was an emergency." 

"It's not," he sighed. "I'm sorry I overreacted." 

"You didn't," she said seriously. "I would tell you if you were." 

He hummed. "No, you wouldn't." 

She sighed. "No, I wouldn't. But you're okay?" 

Ryan smiled. "Yeah. Thanks, Jaz." 

"Of course." She stood up and pointed at him. "Chinese tonight?" 

"Sounds good." 

Jaz waved and walked back into her room. He leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes. He'd be okay. 

\---

Jaz was out at work and Ryan was alone. There was a knock on the door. Lazily, he got up and answered it, surprised to see Shane there. 

"Can I come in?" 

His voice was husky and Ryan got goosebumps as he stepped aside, ushering Shane in. He cleared his throat, not really trusting his voice, and said,

"Uh, what's up?" 

He turned around to see Shane in his space. He swallowed and had to physically look up to meet Shane's eyes. 

"Laura told me that you have a thing for me," he said lowly.

Ryan thought he should feel scared from that sentence, but instead, a familiar heat was pooling low in his stomach. "Oh," was all he said. Shane took a step forward and he found himself pressed against the door. 

"Where's Jaz?" he asked. 

"Work," Ryan said, his heart beating out of his chest.

Something flipped in the back of his mind: Jaz quit her job a week ago because she was about to graduate medical school.

That thought was soon pushed from his head as Shane ducked down and kissed him hungrily. It took him by surprise as Shane took over, trapping him against the door, pressing their hips together, he was already hard, how had Ryan not noticed that before, and started doing absolutely _wicked_ things with his tongue. 

Before Ryan knew what was happening, his shirt was off and Shane had one of his nipples in his mouth and was playing with the other on with his hand. He kissed his way up to Ryan's ear and nipped at it gently, drawing a quiet moan out of him. Shane pressed hot, wet, open-mouth kisses to Ryan's jaw before coming back to his mouth. 

It was like Shane already knew all his fantasies. 

"Bed," he panted into Ryan's mouth, which was the hottest thing that Ryan had ever heard. 

Shane pushed him onto his bed, which was suddenly right behind him. Ryan canted his hips up, desperate for any kind of friction. 

"Shane," he whined. 

"Yes, Ryan?" 

He sounded absolutely wrecked. All of a sudden, neither of them were wearing any clothes and they were grinding against each other messily. Skin on skin, mouth on mouth, panting and kissing and broken sounds were all that Ryan heard.

Again, he couldn't follow what led up to what was happening, but he knew it was happening. Shane was pushing into him, thick and big, making him gasp and writhe and beg for more as he wrapped his legs around Shane's waist and tried to bring him closer. 

Shane was just about to bottom out when-

_COMING OUT OF MY CAGE AND I'VE BEEN DOING JUST FINE-_

Ryan jerked awake to his alarm blaring Mr. Brightside at 5:30 in the morning. He quickly turned it off and tried to get his bearings, which was hard because he was, well, hard. And fucking dripping. 

What a damn dream. 

He thought about it for a second, about Shane on him, sucking marks into his neck, and his hips snapped forward, grinding against the mattress, which he was pretty sure he had been doing before he woke up. 

At any rate, the unexpected stimulation made him groan and keep moving, deliciously slow and torturous. 

"Shane," he whined. 

He didn't want to reach down and touch himself. He wanted to grind against the mattress and... finger himself. He'd never done that before. 

He now wondered why the hell not. 

Ryan knew he couldn't grind against his mattress and finger himself at the same time, so he rolled over and shimmied off his boxers, unsure as to how he was doing this without freaking out first. It didn't matter. He was so turned on he felt dizzy. 

He fumbled with the cap on his lube and squirted some into his hand. He barely warmed it up and carefully rubbed his finger over his hole. Instinctually, he flinched away, but the part of him that wanted to know what it was like to find his prostate (Jesus, he was horny) continued on. 

It took him a while, but his fingers brushed up against the bundle of nerves and he cried out. 

_"Fuck!"_

He found it again and only lasted about three seconds with direct, amazing pressure before he was coming hard over his stomach. He collapsed onto his pillows, panting as if he had just run a mile-long sprint. Extracting his fingers, he felt a very, very strong urge to get in the shower and clean himself off. 

So Ryan got up and walked with unsteady legs into the bathroom and took a long, hot shower, his legs shaking on and off every couple of movements. Normally, he got himself off in the shower every morning, even if he had had a sex dream. 

But this time around, he was spent. 

Until he thought about the dream again. His fingers twitched and he was happy he was in the shower for what he did next. 

\---

"Hey, Ry," Shane yawned when Ryan ran to their terminal seventeen minutes before the plane was supposed to take off. "Where've you been?" 

_Fingering myself in the shower while thinking about you._

"Overslept," is what he said instead of that. Because he's not a fucking idiot. 

"Moron," Devon said from her seat. "Always set three alarms." 

He set his stuff down and sat next to the person he had had a very graphic sex dream about. Shane was wearing his chinos (of course), his ghoul hunting boots, and his table cloth shirt. "After this, yeah, I will. At least," Ryan said, staring at TJ, "I wasn't so late I missed the fucking flight." 

TJ threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. "That was _one_ time!" he protested.

While the rest of the crew continued making fun of him, Ryan had to take a breath. It was the first time he had been around Shane since his... discovery. 

His discovery also had him wanting to reach over and entwine their fingers and gently kiss the back of his hand. He could only imagine how Shane's skin felt. 

_Damn,_ he thought to himself. _That sounded like a serial killer's thought. Is this what it means to think like a serial killer? Maybe this is thinking like someone who would do a crime of passion. Wait. I'm not gonna kill Shane._

But it was something he was thinking about. Was it soft? Maybe a little rough. He wondered how it would feel to kiss Shane's cheek and run his fingers through his hair. 

Like a fucking _sap._

It was a little hard to breathe. Ryan wanted him. To _be_ with him. To call Shane his. To be able to have a real reason to get jealous and protective whenever a girl came up to him in a bar. 

"One time is all it takes," Shane was saying to TJ. "We had to move everything around so you would show up with the mic packs and third camera." 

TJ flipped them all off. "See this?" he asked, a smile on his face. "This is what I think of you all right now." 

"Teej," Mark said, sounding disappointed in him. "There are children around." 

TJ looked around dramatically and opened his arms. "Where?" he asked loudly. 

Behind them, someone walking to another terminal, their baby started crying and they all turned to look at it. And then, slowly, back at TJ. 

"That doesn't count!" he said, his voice shaking with laughter. 

"It does, too!" Shane laughed. "You've corrupted it! That's why it started crying!" 

"It's probably crying because it shit itself," TJ deadpanned. And then he turned slowly to Mark. "Like you did last-" 

"AhhhhhhhhSHHHHUUT UP!" Mark yelled, disrupting the growing noise of the airport. 

"Wait," Devon laughed, "Mark, you shit yourself?" 

"Oh my god," Ryan said. "Was it when we were in-" 

"Florida!" Shane cackled. Ryan pointed at him. 

"You shit yourself when we were Florida!" 

"Where was I during this?" Devon demanded as Mark put his face in his hands. 

"You were handling that Allison thing," Shane supplied. 

Devon made a disgusting face. "I can't believe I missed Mark shitting himself to talk to that _bitch."_

Shane toasted his coffee. "Fuck her." 

Devon toasted her donut and they clinked in the middle. "Yes. May she rot in hell."

"Amen." 

Ryan didn't really know what went down and he wasn't sure he wanted to. 

The rest of the day was a blur. 

They got on the plane, were on there for hours, got off, went to their hotel, slept, and the next day, they began filming and Ryan was scared out of his fucking wits. They were at the Dauphine Orleans Hotel in New Orleans, Lousiana. 

The one time that Ryan actually sat down and took a breath was when TJ, Devon, and Mark had left and it was just him and Shane in their hotel room. They laid on the bed, talking, the camera recording, so Ryan was too busy focusing on that and not his dick when Shane said, 

"Are we gonna check out that jacuzzi tub or no?" 

Ryan looked at him with wide eyes, overly aware that the camera was running and would capture all of this. 

"Are-" He cleared his throat. "Are you serious?" 

"Yeah," Shane said seriously. "You really think that I won't use that? It's great!" 

Ryan shook his head, completely taken by the man in front of him, who smiled, got up, and started rooting around in his suitcase for his swimsuit. He knew he looked completely lovestruck, so he shook himself out of it and grabbed his own. Shane took the bathroom and he waited outside, already changed. Shane opened the door for him and he stepped in with the camera. 

"You gotta wait until the water covers the jets," Shane informed. 

"Alright," Ryan laughed. "Are we gonna get in together, or...?" 

Shane grinned at him. "The viewers would love it if we did." 

Ryan swallowed a lump in his throat. "Yeah. Yeah, they would." 

So when the water was high enough, Shane squirted some shampoo in because, "With jets, it's got the same effect as bubble bath." 

Ryan started recording and they both got in. He felt hot. He was in a tub. With Shane. Almost naked. 

Okay. 

Time to pull yourself together. 

Now. 

He looked up at Shane with raised eyebrows as he pressed the button again and again. Shane met his eyes. 

"The jets don't work," he managed to get out before bursting into laughter. 

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Ryan cackled. Shane shook his giant fucking head and they laughed. 

Eventually, Ryan got out and dismantled the tripod. 

"Wait!" Shane said, still in the tub. Ryan looked over at him. 

"What?" 

"Turn on-" He pointed in a vague direction to Ryan's right. "Flip that switch." 

Frowning, he did. He turned and watched Shane press the button. The jets came to life and Shane threw his hands up in the air in celebration. "OH MY GOD!" 

"Shit!" Ryan laughed. "Now I have to set back up the camera." 

Shane shook his head. "No, you don't. Just let them see us acting like idiots. Get in with me!"

Laughing, Ryan looked at Shane, sitting in one half of the tub that was slowly filling up with bubbles. It was so cute. Soon, the bubbles were thick enough that Ryan couldn't even see the water, making it easy to imagine that Shane wasn't wearing anything at all. 

This hurt so much. 

But he grinned and got in. The water rose quite a bit when he sat down. They looked at each other, grinning, and Shane splashed him. 

"Asshole!" Ryan yelled, splashing him back. 

"Wait, wait," he laughed, holding a hand up to stop Ryan from splashing again. 

Shane reached into the bubbles and put a handful on Ryan's head. Ryan laughed, part of his registering that they were surrounded by mirrors and that the two of them could do _amazing_ things to each other. But what his brian was really thinking about was how domestic it all was. In the tub, laughing and smiling at each other like idiots. 

He put a handful of bubbles on Shane and started making him a beard. 

"Finally," Shane said, "I can have that full beard I've always wanted." 

"Shut up," Ryan snickered. "I'm trying to make you look good for once." 

_He always looks good._

"I always look good," Shane said, matter-of-factly. Ryan rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever helps you sleep at night." 

"Well," Shane said, his voice shaking with repressed laughter, "being in haunted locations and listening to your bullshit knocks me right out." 

Ryan was about to retort, but there were audible footsteps from above him. He looked at the ceiling with wide, scared eyes. Lucky for him, being terrified of ghosts was a great way to kill the domestic mood that had Ryan's heart aching. 

"There are people above us." 

"Also ghosts." He noticed that his hands were still holding bubbles and he was basically holding Shane's face in his hands. He moved. 

"Ryan," Shane laughed, "there are no ghosts." 

"Shut up, you look like Santa!" 

"Ho, ho, ho," Shane said in a raspy voice, probably what he thought was an old man voice, "what would you like for Christmas, little boy?" 

Ryan maintained eye contact as he slid down into the bubbles and under the water. He felt Shane laughing because their legs were pressed together. It was a weird feeling, being underwater in a jacuzzi tub with his crush. He came back up and inhaled for air. 

That was a mistake. 

He inhaled a ton of bubbles and started coughing violently. Shane burst out laughing. 

"Oh my god," he cackled, "you really just-" 

"Fuck you!" he managed out before continuing to cough. Shane pressed his water bottle into Ryan's hand. He drank as much as he could before coughing some more. "Oh my god," he groaned. 

"You're so fucking stupid," Shane said fondly. 

Ryan pushed himself up. "I'm leaving," he announced. 

"What?! Ryan!" Shane laughed. "No!" 

"Bubble baths," Ryan snickered, coughing, "are not my thing. In fact, it assaulted me." 

"It assaulted- the bubbles were just living their lives and then you went and inhaled them! Come back here!" 

"No." 

"Ryan," he pleaded. "Come on. It's bonding time for the Ghoul Boys."

They stared at each other until Ryan started coughing again and the two of them laughed. "Come on," Shane said again.

Ryan pouted dramatically. "Fine." 

He stepped back into the tub, lowered himself down, and once he was sitting down, criss-cross, he crossed his arms and harrumphed dramatically, pouting. 

"Aw, poor baby," Shane teased. "Come here." 

Ryan's breath hitched. What did that mean? 

"What?" he asked, narrowly avoiding a voice crack. 

Shane held up a handful of bubbles, the goddamn picture of innocence, and Ryan leaned forward so his friend/longtime crush could put bubbles on his head. When he leaned back, Shane said, 

"Fist me." 

He choked on nothing and started coughing. "I'm _sorry,_ wh _at?"_

Shane burst out laughing and held out his fist. "I knew you were gonna fall for that." 

Ryan bumped their fists together. "Fuck you," he laughed, his face red. "My throat hurts," Ryan complained. 

"Then don't inhale bubbles like you inhale your spaghetti." 

They both got out of the tub some times later after platonically washing each other's hair and after having a splash fight that they spent fifteen minutes cleaning up. They got dressed, bickered for a while, and laughed until Shane told him to shut up so he could sleep. So Ryan shut his mouth and listened intently to every single tiny little noise. 

He heard footsteps about half an hour after Shane had fallen asleep. Ryan hit him awake. Shane looked up blearily. He looked adorable. Now is not the time, Bergara. 

"What?" he mumbled. 

"Do you hear that?" Ryan hissed. 

Shane didn't even try to listen. "No. Go to sleep." 

"Shane!" he protested. "You- you didn't even listen!" 

"Fine," Shane whined, pushing himself up. He listened for a second and froze. He looked terrified. Ryan was even more scared. If Shane heard it and it scared him, that was bad. That was very, very bad. If that's what was happening, he and Ryan were going to die tonight. 

"Do you hear it?!" he demanded. 

"Oh my god," Shane breathed. 

"I know, there-" 

Shane met his gaze, and, in a scared voice, said, "It's the sound of your bullshit." And then laughed. 

Ryan started at Shane, who shot him a sleepy smile and laid back down. God, he was such a little shit. 

"Asshole," he said, sounding too lovestruck. 

"Shhhhhhh." 

"I fucking hate you," he sighed. 

"Mm." 

He was quiet again, so Ryan assumed that he had fallen asleep. 

Defeated, tired and terrified, he slid down the headboard and tried to relax. He even turned on his side. Why? He wasn't sure. That was dumb. So he turned so he was on his back again, fighting off the urge to sleep by reminding himself that there was probably a vengeful spirit in the room with them. 

Shane rolled over in his sleep, making Ryan jump. 

"Quit moving," he said quietly, well aware that Shane was asleep.

Letting out a breath, he closed his eyes. He felt Shane move again and almost screamed in fear when Shane draped his arm over Ryan's chest and sighed in his sleep.

Now Ryan's palms were sweating and his heart was pounding for a different reason. His breathing quickened. It must've been as loud as it was for him in real life because Shane woke up. 

"Hey, are you- oh, sorry." 

He moved his arm. 

"Is that why you were freaking out, or did you imagine something?" 

He wanted to kiss him. He really, really wanted to kiss Shane. 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry." 

He snorted. "I didn't know that touching you would cause you to an existential crisis." 

"That- that's not it," Ryan tried, but Shane had already rolled away and was doing something on his phone. He turned it off and laid back down, making Ryan feel like a fucking idiot. Not a minute later, his own phone buzzed. He picked it up. It was Jaz.

 **Jaz:** Hey! Before I say this, I should let you know that Laura's making dinner and I accidentally looked at her phone when it went off and read the text.

Confused, he replied. 

**Ryan:** Okay?? 

Jaz's dot dot dot bubble came up and went away for about three minutes. Ryan was starting to get anxious. 

**Ryan:** What is it

Just after he sent that, her message came through. 

**Jaz** **:** Shane texted her saying something about accidentally cuddling you in his sleep. When he woke up, you were freaking out about it. Basically he's hurt because he thought you two were close and Ryan, I think he likes you. 

It felt like a balloon was inflating in his chest and he smiled widely. Shane could've just been upset, he reminded himself. But this gave Ryan the hope that he thought had been squashed.

' _I wouldn't do you like I wouldn't do her.'_

Oh. 

What Jaz was saying wasn't proof. That text that Shane had sent him was. The balloon in his chest deflated and his smile dropped. 

**Ryan:** I don't think so. Thanks tho, Jaz

Her bubbles came up again. 

**Jaz:** Laura and I are talking about it. She says she won't say anything because it's not her story to tell while winking at me.

His breathing hitched and he looked over at Shane, who was breathing evenly, asleep and peaceful, while he was having a crisis and wasn't sure if he should cry, scream, or do something else stupid. 

**Ryan:** I think she winked because she likes you

 **Jaz:** Ry, that's not the point! I think Shane's bi, too! 

Hands shaking, more happy and excited than he should be, he debated leaving the room and calling her but decided against it.

 **Ryan:** Even if he is that doesn't mean he likes me

 **Jaz:** Ryan. Oh my god. This is good news!

Again, he looked over at Shane. 

**Ryan:** Maybe

\---

When they came back from Louisiana, Ryan collapsed into bed and slept for thirteen hours straight. When he woke up, Jaz was on the couch, watching Parks and Rec. 

"Hey," he yawned. She smiled up at him and got up to give him a hug. 

"How was it?" she asked. 

"Horrible," he deadpanned, walking with her back to the couch. "I inhaled bubbles." 

She gave him a weird look. "Uh-" 

He shook his head. "No." 

"Okay. So, Ry, Laur and Shane invited us over for dinner tonight." 

Blearily, he looked at the stove and saw that it was almost five o'clock at night. "When?" 

"We'd go over about 5:30." 

"Okay." He rubbed his eyes and turned his full attention to his roommate. "So. Did you and Laura do it while we were away?" 

Her entire face turned red as she loudly said, "No!" 

"Aw, come on," he prodded. 

"We're not ready!" she protested. "I'm not!" 

He shrugged. "Alright." 

"What about you and Shane?" she asked, her tone playful and mocking. 

"I- no. We did not bang." 

She poked his arm. "He likes you." 

"He doesn't." 

"You like him." 

"Yeah. So?" 

"Oh, come on!" she groaned. "I haven't said anything about it until now! I've been living with you for three years!" 

He looked at her. "Okay?" 

She pointed at the shower. "I know what you do in there." 

Ryan's face turned red. 

"I hear you. I _think_ you try to be quiet. I _think._ You think I can't hear you saying his name-"

"Okay!" he said loudly. "Let's not talk about this. I- I'll try to be quiet and I won't ask about you and Laura." 

She had a mischievous grin on her face. "We should get ready for dinner, shouldn't we, Ryan?" 

"I hate you so much." 

"No, you don't. Go get dressed."

"Jaz-" 

She looked at him. "Yeah?" 

After opening and closing his mouth a couple of times, he shook his head. "Nevermind." 

She stood up. "Great! Let's leave in ten."

Twenty-five minutes later, Jaz was knocking at Shane and Laura's door. Shane opened it and Ryan forgot how to talk for a second. He was wearing a pressed shirt and jeans. It wasn't unusual, but Ryan was pining. He wouldn't admit it, but he was. He had to force himself to meet Shane's eyeline. 

"Hey," he greeted. 

"Welcome, guys!" Shane said happily. 

"Thanks for having us," Jaz said happily, running off to kiss Laura hello. 

"Our pleasure!" Shane called after her. 

Ryan toed off his shoes and felt something rub against his legs. He looked down and saw a new cat. An orange tabby, like Obi, but darker and with more white. 

"Oh," he said in surprise, "who's this?" 

"Kovu," Shane said. "He's Laura's." 

Ryan leaned down to pet Kovu. "Hey, bud. Smells good!" he called to Laura, who was cooking. 

"Thanks!" she yelled back. 

He stood back up and caught Shane looking at him with a weird look in his eyes. As quickly as he had seen it, it was gone. 

"Soup's on!" Jaz called, making Laura laugh. 

"We're having soup?" he asked, walking with Shane to the kitchen. 

"Oh, no," he laughed. "Laura's been waging a war on soup since I've known her." 

Ryan frowned. "What does that mean?" 

"It means," Laura said, handing him a plate, "that I don't like wet foods. And soup is the wettest food." 

He laughed. "Fair enough." 

They ate and laughed. Jaz laughed so hard that she had to leave the room for a second to pull herself together. After, when they were all on the couch, Shane had an entire bombshell to drop. 

"So, guys," Shane said a while later, all of them a little tipsy, "I should probably tell you something." 

Laura hit his arm with her hand. "Wait. Like-"

"Yeah." 

She nodded, a glass of wine ahead of all of them. "Aight. Cool." 

Jaz and Ryan looked at him. "What's up?" Ryan asked. 

Shane looked at the ground and then back up at them, and then to the ceiling. "So- you two obviously aren't homophobic." 

"No," Jaz deadpanned. "I hate the gays." 

Ryan snorted into his hand as Laura raised her glass, laughing. "I'll drink to that!" 

Shane smiled half-heartedly. "So, uh, I guess I should... come out?" 

Ryan's eyebrows were raised to the max. "Come out?" he repeated. 

His friend looked away from him and said, "I'm- I'm pan?" 

Jaz's hand, already resting on Ryan's forearm, tightened. "Wow," she said, sounding calmer than her grip displayed, "that's great. Uh, thanks for... telling us." 

Shane gave her a tight-lipped smile and looked at Ryan nervously. 

Ryan swallowed. "Good for you, man," he croaked out. "Nice bombshell." 

So Jaz was right. Shane was pan. And Laura knew. Ryan's confidence in his friendship skills dropped from 95% to 30%. Why didn't Shane trust him enough to tell him sooner? Did he do something wrong? 

"Thanks," Shane said, rolling his eyes. 

\---

"You gotta tell him, Ryan." 

"What?" 

"At least tell him you're bi." 

He sighed. "Okay. I hate you." 

Jaz took his arm and leaned her head against his shoulder. 

"That's okay." 

He put his head against hers. "I don't hate you." 

"I know." 

"I love you." 

"Damn right." 

\---

"Can I be done?" 

Shane, who was already logging off and stretching, said, "Sure. I'm leaving, so. Whatever. Bye, Ry." 

"Bye," Ryan replied absentmindedly. Shane walked off. 

He should tell him. He should come out. There was no one left in the building and Shane had left him the keys so he could lock up. He clenched his fists, and, way too loudly said, 

"Shane!" 

Shane, who couldn't have been more than fifteen feet away, looked at him, amused. "Yes, Ryan?" he asked, his voice shaking with laughter.

Ryan swallowed. "I-" 

Shane's expression went from happy to worried. "What?" he asked. 

His nails bit into his palms. "I'm bi." 

Shane blinked. "Oh." 

"I don't mean to like, rain on your parade or anything, I just-" Ryan looked down at the floor. "I just wanted you to know." 

He heard Shane walk over. "Stand up," he said. 

So Ryan did. 

And found himself in a warm hug that he gladly returned. Shane pulled away after a little bit. 

"Thanks for telling me." 

He smiled weakly. "No problem." 

"Welp. See you tomorrow!" 

"See ya." 

_I love you._

Ryan packed up his things and glanced out the window, stopping cold when he saw Shane jumping and throwing his fist up to the air. He called somebody and started talking rapid-fire with excited hand gestures and looking the happiest that Ryan had ever seen him. He walked out of view and Ryan, he's not proud of it, but he ran outside and heard Shane say excitedly, 

"This is good! This is so good!" 

before closing his car door. Ryan turned around, sighing, and locked the door. When he turned again, he saw Shane driving past and gave him a friendly wave. Shane positively _beamed_ in response. 

That made Ryan smile. 

Shane was happy about something. Ecstatic, even. He pulled out his phone as he walked to his car and called Jaz. 

"Hello?" 

"I told him," Ryan said gleefully. "It went really well." 

"Oh, Ry, that's great," Jaz gushed. 

"Yeah. It really is." 

There was a beat of silence. 

"Pizza tonight?" she asked. 

"I have a feeling you already got it." 

"I did!" 

He laughed. "Sounds good." 

\---

Ryan had another dream about Shane. 

It wasn't sex. It was in the morning and Ryan was making them coffee. Shane stepped out of their bedroom and wrapped his arms around Ryan's waist and rested his head on his shoulder, kissing Ryan's neck. 

"Morning," he said, his voice gravelly. 

"Hey." 

They ate breakfast together. When they were done, Shane took their dishes and started washing them as Ryan got dressed when he came out, he kissed Shane goodbye and left for work. 

And then he woke up, alone in his bed, wanting his best friend beside him. 

Ryan pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face. 

"Damn it," he said quietly. 

This was bad. He was actually in love. In _love_ with Shane. _Love._

What kind of shitty Lifetime movie was he living? Being in love with your best friend? Was he fitting the bisexual stereotype? Fuck. 

He picked up his phone to check the time. 

4:23. 

And a text from Shane. 

**Shane:** Wait am I supposed to edit ep 2 or you? 

Ryan shook his head, smiling. 

**Ryan:** You

He was about to set his phone down, but it lit up. He looked at it, still squinting at the light. 

**Shane:** Okay, great. Thanks

Ryan frowned. 

**Ryan:** Why are you up? 

**Shane:** Why are you? 

**Ryan:** Dream

 **Shane:** Oof

 **Shane:** Bad one? 

**Ryan:** Nah

 **Ryan:** Too good to be true so I woke up

 **Shane:** Who was it about? 

Maybe it was the fact that the dream had hurt so bad, or that he was fucking delirious, or that he just _loved Shane so damn much,_ but he said what he said in confidence. 

**Ryan:** You

And then he put his head down for the next five minutes. When he checked his phone, there were multiple texts from Shane. 

**Shane:** Ryan what does that mean

 **Shane:** Ryan you need to tell me

 **Shane:** Do you have a crush on me?? 

**Shane:** I won't be mad

 **Shane:** Is that what you're saying? 

**Shane:** Ryan? 

Ryan laughed brokenly into his hand. 

**Ryan:** Yeah, I do

 **Ryan:** Sorry

He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. 

"Pathetic," he laughed, tears rolling down his face. "I'm pathetic." 

Smiling through the pain, he looked at his phone, wondering what line Shane was going to use to put him down. 

**Shane:** Ryan you goddamn idiot I like you too

Ryan's eyebrows rose. 

**Ryan:** Seriously? 

**Shane:** YES

 **Shane:** Is it completely inappropriate to come over right now

Ryan laughed and wiped his tears, though more were coming. He was so _happy._

 **Ryan:** Yeah, it is

 **Ryan:** I'll see you soon, though

 **Shane:** Counting down now

He smiled. 

**Ryan:** Me too

 **Shane:** See you soon, Ry

 **Ryan:** See ya

He turned off his phone and smiled widely, his happiness overtaking him until he squealed into his pillow so loudly that Jaz came to see what was wrong. 

\---

Shane set down a coffee cup next to him in the morning. 

"Thanks," Ryan said, beaming up at him. 

An identical smile was on Shane's face. "You're welcome." 

The day continued on mostly normal. Besides shared smiles and stealing glances at each other. When it was time to leave, Shane asked if he could walk Ryan out to his car. 

"You're still okay with this, right?" Shane asked. 

"Hundred percent." 

"Great," Shane sighed. "Cuz I gotta tell you, I've had a thing for you for like, years-" 

Ryan kissed him. 

It was better than the dreams and fantasies because Shane was there, holding him, kissing him, making small noises that Ryan had never even thought he could make. He was warm and comforting and _skilled._

When a car honked, they jumped apart. 

"Guys," Devon said, "it's not like we didn't all see this coming, but could you not do it in the middle of the parking lot?" 

"We'll make out wherever we want, thank you," Shane laughed. 

"Lock your doors," Ryan warned. "Or one day you'll see us on your couch." 

She stared at them. "I will call the police. And I will have you arrested for breaking and entering." 

Another car honked behind her. And then another. 

"YEAH, DEVON," Ryan yelled, "DON'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARKING LOT." 

She drove away, flipping them off and smiling. 

Shane kissed Ryan again. 

\---

When they got back to Ryan's place, Jaz was gone. Frowning, Ryan pulled out his phone and shot her a text. 

**Ryan:** Hey where are you

She got back with him right away. 

**Jaz:** I'm at Laura's. We decided to give you two a little alone time.

Ryan looked up at Shane, who held up his phone. 

"Laura just texting me, telling me to have fun." 

"Yeah, Jaz said that they were gonna give us a little alone time." 

Shane cleared his throat. "I mean, we're- we _just_ started dating." 

"Yeah!" Ryan said awkwardly. "I mean, it's not like we can jump blindly into this." 

"Yeah. It- this is a delicate process." 

"Yeah." 

"Yeah." 

When had they gotten so much closer? Ryan's hand was shaking as he ran it up Shane's torso, making the taller man's breath hitch. Shane's hands found his hips and pulled him closer. 

"Years, huh?" Ryan breathed, his left hand joining his right on Shane's chest. 

"Yeah," Shane murmured. "Pathetic, isn't it?" 

"No." 

"You sure?" 

"I just didn't realize that I like you," he admitted. "I mean-" 

He was just about to admit how much he had jerked off to Shane before. 

"What?" Shane asked softly. He obviously had _no_ idea what Ryan was about to say. 

"I-I mean that... uh..." 

Shane pulled away, frowning. "Ry," he said, laughing to mask his nerves, "should I be concerned?" 

Face red, looking at the floor, he stuttered out, "I would jerk off to you all the time. And- and finger myself. So. Uh. I'm sorry?" 

Taking a risk, he looked up at Shane's face. 

His mouth was open, his pupils were blown wide, and he looked completely dumbstruck. He shook his head. 

"Uh- well, it's nice to know I'm not alone." 

They stared at each other, Shane's hands on Ryan's hips, Ryan's hands on his shoulders, both blinking, lost for words to say. 

"Oh, come here," Shane said, pulling Ryan in for a kiss that made him completely forget what he had just said. 

He gripped Shane's shirt and yelped when Shane lifted him onto his counter. That made sense, Shane was tall as shit. 

After a while, too long to be socially acceptable, Shane pulled away, panting, "I want to try something. Can I?" 

Ryan was already so out of it, dizzy from what Shane was already doing, so he nodded blindly. Shane helped him take off his shirt and Ryan only had _hopes_ of what was about to happen. 

Shane took one of his nipples in his mouth and played with the other one with his hand. Ryan's hands went to Shane's short hair as he gasped his name. 

"Shane, Shane, _Shane-"_

" _Oh_ my god!" 

They jumped away from each other to find Jaz hiding her face in Laura's shoulder. Laura was holding her girlfriend close with one hand and covering her eyes with the other. 

"Oh my- we're so sorry, we didn't know that you guys would really- holy _shit-"_

They left quickly. Ryan and Shane looked at each other before laughing. Ryan grabbed his face and pulled him in for a kiss. The door opened again. 

"Get off the counter!" 

**Author's Note:**

> currently thinking about Al Fallick's 'you gotta- you- you gotta!' in Eyes On The Prize I from Spies Are Forever


End file.
